Week 17 Weigh-in - dose 10mg

Weigh-In Week 17: The Return Of The Slay

Ladies, gents, cats, rats, and household spirits hiding under the sofa -

your girl has shed another 1.1lbs.

Total: 28.7lbs lost

AKA: 13 kilograms

AKA: basically a medium-sized farm animal at this point

Let me tell you… watching that scale drop was like watching a soap opera miracle. I half expected the theme tune to start playing and the scales to whisper:

“You thought it was over, didn’t you?”

“Plot twist, babe.”

Week 17 came in with vibes.

Week 17 came in with energy.

Week 17 came in like:

“I may jab myself on Saturdays, but I slay every day.”

THE WEEKLY CHAOS RECAP

Because a weigh-in isn’t just a weigh-in - it is an event, a ritual, a full-body pilgrimage.

This week featured:

Me stepping on the scale like I was defusing a bomb

My bathroom mirror pretending not to judge me

My stomach still confused about what “appetite” means

Random fatigue suddenly vanishing like a toxic ex when you stop replying

47 mental speeches rehearsed for when it finally shifted

And an actual, real-life squeal when it did

Not a quiet squeal.

Not a humble squeal.

A “the neighbours probably think I’ve won the lottery” squeal.

BUT NOW… THE MAIN EVENT:

WHAT DOES 28.7lbs (13kg) ACTUALLY EQUAL?

Prepare yourself.

I googled.

I researched.

I cackled.

This list is both educational and deeply unhinged.

WHAT I’VE LOST SO FAR - A VERY LONG AND VERY UNNECESSARY LIST

1. A Fully Inflated Car Tyre

Yes. One of those chunky ones.

Imagine rolling that down the motorway like “bye babe.”

2. Two and a Half Average Cats

If I put all the cats in the house on a scale…

Actually, I won’t.

HR (feline edition) will file a complaint.

3. A Large Bag of Compost

Garden centres would like to know my location.

4. 17 Bottles of Wine

Which, ironically, I could drink in celebration but won’t because Mounjaro said “absolutely not.”

5. 6.5 Hardback Harry Potter Books

Weight-wise.

Not plot-wise.

(Though honestly, my week has more twists.)

6. Around 5 Bricks

Light bricks, but bricks nonetheless.

New career option unlocked: human forklift.

7. A Fully Grown Thanksgiving Turkey

Dry. Overcooked. Overconfident.

Gone - just like my old appetite.

8. A Louis Vuitton Neverfull (Fully Stuffed)

Except mine is a Never-Empty because I keep finding receipts from 2021.

9. Three Chickens and Possibly a Wing

A whole coop.

A whole personality shift.

10. A Secondary School Backpack Filled with Regret and PE Kit

Heavy. Smelly. Traumatic.

Let it go.

11. Four Large Watermelons

Imagine carrying those everywhere.

Imagine.

No wonder I was tired.

12. Half a Labrador

The lighter half.

OMG.

13. A Small Freezer’s Worth of Ice

Which is exactly what my emotions felt like when the scale didn’t move last week.

14. 110 Rolls of Toilet Paper

This statistic is both surprising and deeply disturbing.

15. A Build-A-Bear Workshop’s Entire Stuffing Supply for One Day

Corporate will be calling.

16. A 13kg Amazon Parcel That the Delivery Driver Always Pretends Isn’t Heavy

Meanwhile I’m carrying it around in daily life like??? WHY???

17. 6 PlayStation Consoles

Which, if I stacked, would still not reach the height of my pettiness.

18. 59 Potatoes

This one was painful.

Potatoes are family.

But accurate.

19. Almost the Weight of a Buckingham Palace Guard’s Bearskin Hat

Regal. Dramatic.

Slightly sweaty.

20. The Emotional Weight of Getting Out of Bed on a Monday

Also 13kg, scientifically proven (by me).

IN SUMMARY

Week 17 said:

"We are not plateauing, we are performing.”

“We are booked, busy, and losing mass.”

“We are one weigh-in away from throwing 29lbs a farewell party with balloons shaped like syringes.”

With Love,

JABatha Christie