Day 131: The Day I Became a Human Penguin

Nov 25
4 min read

Monday.

Office day.

Also known as the weekly episode of “Will I Survive The Mounjaro Freeze or Become a Decorative Ice Sculpture Found in Zone 2?”

Honestly, the way this jab has turned me into a walking glacier should qualify me for some sort of winter survival show.

I slept in TWO layers of clothes, plus a duvet, plus a blanket, plus the heating on full blast.

At this point I’m basically sleeping inside my own personal Michelin Man cosplay.

And STILL I was cold.

I woke up at 5am feeling like someone had left me in the freezer section at Tesco between the fish fingers and Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puddings.

How I’m supposed to survive Poland… in December… with actual snow… is a question scientists should study.

I’m honestly prepared to be shipped back to the UK as a block of ice with my passport frozen to my face.

THE GREAT MINI DE-ICE OF 2025

Obviously I didn’t expect my Mini to be THAT frozen.

I opened the front door and BOOM - my car looked like Elsa had sneezed on it.

So there I was, 5:30am, scraping ice like a feral raccoon while probably waking up the entire neighbourhood.

If anyone didn’t hear me, the sound of me emotionally breaking definitely travelled.

Eventually made it to the station and even caught my usual train - mainly because it was delayed (as always).

Thank you, Southeastern Railway, for matching the energy of my life.

THE POLAR EXPRESS (UK BUDGET VERSION)

The train was, of course, ABSOLUTELY FREEZING.

Like travelling inside someone’s abandoned garage.

And GUESS WHAT?

NO BLOKE IN SHORTS.

Shocking.

He’s either frozen solid somewhere by the platform or finally realised frostbite isn’t a personality trait.

I was tempted to leave a flower memorial where he usually stands.

COFFEE, MY ONE TRUE LOVE

Before the office, I treated myself to a lovely coffee and a “tiny” egg and bacon baguette - and by tiny, I mean MINIATURE.

Borrowed-from-a-dollhouse tiny.

Everything these days is quadruple the price and one-third the size. Honestly, if I wanted a snack for ants I’d go to IKEA and buy display food.

THE OFFICE FRIDGE EXPERIENCE

Walked into the office.

Immediate regret.

It was SO cold I kept my gloves on.

Nearly kept my coat on too.

I swear they’re running the air con for penguins.

Thankfully I wore a thick woolly jumper - the kind that basically counts as armour.

The day actually flew by… probably because my brain was too cold to form long-term memories.

FARMER J: THE DAYLIGHT ROBBERY EDITION

I decided to get Farmer J for lunch.

…Yeah, NEVER AGAIN.

Absolute rip-off.

For the price, I expected at least one farm-to-table angel to bless my bowl. Portions?

Half the size from when they opened. I’m not asking for the buffet at the Bellagio - just enough food to be worth the cost of a minor mortgage.

Didn’t feel amazing after, but listen… I survived.

Barely.

HOMEWARD BOUND (WITH A DETOUR)

Left just before 5pm because I start at 7am and I am NOT a martyr.

On the way to the tube I “accidentally” popped into Robert Dyas because I saw something shiny in the window.

Typical.

And what did I find???

THE MOST AMAZING THING.

A little TV/aquarium contraption with four floating fake jellyfish that change colour.

FOR CATS.

Okay, for humans… BUT I KNEW my cats would lose their minds over it.

I basically bought it like a 5-year-old with birthday money.

Then tube → train → car (little retch and almost vom next to the car) → home.

JELLYFISH CINEMA: OPENING NIGHT

First thing I did?

PYJAMAS.

Immediate.

No hesitation.

Then I plugged in the jellyfish thingy and honestly… we were ALL mesmerised.

Me.

My boyfriend.

The cats.

We stared at it like it was the Northern Lights.

I’ve never felt more bonded with Molly and Ruby in my life.

Dinner?

Absolutely not.

Thanks Jab!

GRAND DESIGNS - THE DELUSIONAL DEVON EDITION

We watched an old Grand Designs where this bloke in Devon went full “I’m building a masterpiece!”

— demolished their £1.4 million house

— spiralled into a design meltdown of biblical proportions

— ended up £5 MILLION in debt

— and SURPRISE: wife left him

Honestly?

I would’ve left the second he said “Let’s just knock our lovely old house all down to pay for the new one.”

Sir, this isn’t LEGO.

Truly incredible television.

Nothing makes you feel better about your own life choices like watching someone else financially swan-dive off a cliff. Almost literally!

THE BEAST IN ME — EPISODE 7 (AKA THE NIGHTMARE FUEL)

Then we watched Episode 7 of The Beast in Me.

I was PRAYING Nile didn’t kill his wife.

Hoping.

Manifesting.

Sending positive vibes into the universe.

But nope.

HE DID.

And… HOW he did… dear god.

Actual monster.

Sleep-tight-everyone kind of monster.

Perfect bedtime viewing for someone who already sleeps like a refrigerated pigeon.

BEDTIME: WILL I DREAM OR JUST SHIVER?

After that emotional trauma, it was bedtime…

Hoping for no nightmares and also hoping not to wake up as a frozen artefact for future archaeologists.